The Christian Path

When I think about the Christian path, the first thing that comes to mind is a road, like the one from Pilgrims Progress and a really tall, windy mountain. I never see any valleys or green meadows on this walk, just that rugged, treacherous, uphill climb. It made me realize that how we view our lives has so much to do with how we live them. Too often we visualize the worst about our lives or the outcome of things and walk in defeat before we've even tried the mountain path. Defeat is not what God wants for us. It takes some practice to re-define our walk with the Lord and reset our defeated ways of thinking. When I focus, and really try hard, I realize that our lives are not a walk on a straight path with the ground under us and the sky above. Our walk, no our life with Christ is three dimensional and multi sensory. Its up in the air at times, its deep under the ground of our hearts, sometimes is celebration with others and then there's the solitude of the dark. It evokes feelings that only your soul can taste and thoughts that only your eyes can see. It turns our human world upside down and inside out and then we realize that it was really our world that was in such a state of mess, and God brings us back to that place we were made to be in, with Him. For the rest of my life I will have heartache, drama, fear, and pain but for the rest of my life, my Lord has promised to take me through those things and not waste an ounce of my pain. He has promised us all victory because it is by the Hand of My God that victory is made.

A Story of Passing

This is a story about a good friend and his struggle with the gay lifestyle. I had written a whole political blog before this story but didn't save it, so Ill just add my two cents some other time.

This last February I was with my friend Ronnie who passed away from AIDS related NH Lymphoma. He struggled with the gay lifestyle but Christ won out. He was on our worship team years ago and it was such a joy to sing with him and have him in our church family. Even though he was saved he did still struggle with the draw of the gay lifestyle. A few years ago he left our church completely and cut off contact with everyone. I thought about him a bit, and like in Philippians, my thoughts were triggers to prayer (the message version) but earlier this year he was really on my heart. I got a call from my mom that he had contacted a good friend in the church and that he was dying. He didn't have long. My heart ached for him, how scared he must have been and how much mending needed to be done in so little time. We hadn't realized how bad he had become. Not just physically, he was really like a skeleton, but spiritually and emotionally. Not only was he fully in the lifestyle but was also dealing drugs, meth. It is so painful to see how life can fall apart without God.
Our former pastor, who had since retired, flew down from Arizona to be with Ronnie. Ronnie lived in a tiny studio and our 70+ year old pastor slept on the floor in a sleeping bad the whole time he was down. Boy do I love this pastor. His parting years ago with Ronnie was not good at all. Ronnie had lived with the pastor and his wife but when things began to go bad in Ronnie's life he began to lash out at everyone and was very destructive. On the day he left he stormed out of the house and didn't come back. When Ronnie saw his old pastor he couldn't speak. The pastor sat down on he hospital bed beside him and just embraced him and Ronnie wept like a child. He professed that he needed to return to God and so they prayed. It was so beautiful. The years had taken their toll on him emotionally, but all we could do was love him, and it wasn't hard to do, we had missed him so much. Over the week and a half there were countless people coming in to visit him. Old church friends, former boyfriends, his family, other addicts. Some were there to see him, others were there to see what they could get. Things began disappearing: Llardo pieces, a laptop, money. His supplier even came to the hospital looking for money from him...it was a pretty hairy situation and just a glimpse of what his life had recently been. Through it all we were able to speak with and pray with so many of the lost and just pour our love onto them. It was truly a God thing. A blessing was singing with him one last time. It was late, probably 1 am and a few of us were there with him. He wanted to sing some worship songs but couldn't remember any. We were so blessed because my husbands phone had tons of worship music on it, so we played it and sang along, then sang acapella for a while. It was, for lack of a better word, transcendental. It was pure worship.
Ronnie's passing was peaceful and the memorial service was beautiful. We sang some worship songs that he had written and some other well known ones. Many people cried at the eulogy, which was mixed with Ronnies life and the love of God. More than one of Ronnies gay friends were touched by this message, and were open about how moved they were. It wasnt at all what they expected from Church. I agree, its only something that God can pull off.

Going Home

I am homesick the most when things are hard in my life. I'm pretty independent by nature but every once in a while I feel like I need to go home and re-center, hide for a while. I had the opportunity this last weekend to go home and take a breather, boy did I need that!

It really felt like I was butting heads with everyone and everything that came up I took as a personal attack! Sometimes I don't know how people can live with me! Anyhow I was able to get away for the weekend and my husband and I drove down to the coast to my parents house. We were both born and raised on the ocean so seeing the water as we drove over the hill into town was so calming.

Every month my mom who is a worship leader would facilitate a night of worship and invite local Christian musicians and other worship teams to play and share their faith. Because of some problems inside the church, the monthly meeting were put on hold. This last weekend my parents hosted a night of worship at their home and had some great musicians and friends play and worship together. I'm telling you it was like rain after a drought. I had so missed these people who I "grew up with" and fellowshipped with for a long time. There is nothing like a reunion of believers, those who have deep love for each other. It brought tears to my eyes but there was no crying, because we were all so happy to be together. These musicians are phenomenal to boot. It was such a blessing.

The funny thing was that it opened my eyes to something I hadn't realized I was doing. I was getting frustrated with new friends I met because I expected them to be like the old ones I knew. I expected that deep fellowship, the kind that comes from knowing and walking with people for years, out of brothers and sisters I've known for only months.

This is where I need grace and love to come in....I keep talking about this in my blog because it seems to be my recurring theme.....more grace more love, keep teaching me Lord....

Long story short, I got a break, it was great, great people, great worship, I lost my voice, and wouldn't have it any other way!!!